Conversation with Paigey

This afternoon Paigey and I decided to tackle her room. It wasn't super bad; our kids have to clean their rooms Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. However, things had gotten built up in her desk drawers, some of the boys' books were in her bookcase, and some of her toys she had needed to be reorganized. I thought it was going to be a stressful time, but thankfully, she's very much like her Mommy and likes to organize! All in all, it was a great time for us, her room is amazing, and she got rid of a whole box of toys (either giving to her brothers, with my approval, or donating to my parent's church's garage sale) and a whole garbage can of junk! I'm so proud of my girl!

However, she broke my heart while we were going through her stuffed animals...but then she immediately made me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. Here's our brief conversation:

Paigey: "Keep...keep...keep...oh, we can get rid of that one!"
Me: "Which one, honey?"
Paigey: "Dangles."
Me, heart breaking: "*GASP* DANGLES?!?!? Are you SURE????"
Paigey: "Well, yeah, Mom...Ryan really loves my monkey, and it makes him happy. He can have it for while he's little. But we can't really get rid of him, he's my specialist animal I have."
Me, heart melting: "*snif snif*"
Ryan, after Paigey gives him the monkey: "*gasp!* Dank oo, Paigey! Wuv oo, sisser!" (Translated - Thank you, Paigey! Love you, sister! ...and then he and Dangles are inseparable the rest of the day!)

You see, when I was pregnant with Paigey, my dad would jokingly say that I had a Stress Monkey. I don't know exactly where he got that name from, but it was our joke. Whenever I was frustrated or stressed, it was just my Stress Monkey. After Paige was born, one of the first things my parents bought for her was a monkey, which is how Dangles came into our life.

Paigey and her Dangles monkey!

Dangles was Paige's security animal. Wherever Paige was, Dangles was there, too. He even came to Pete's and my wedding, wearing a home made tie in our wedding colors (even flower girls need dates, right?).

The flower girl and her date

So for her to give her brother her stuffed monkey, even for a short time, is a huge thing. It's hard seeing my little girl growing up and getting rid of some of her toys because she's "too big" for them. But I'm so very proud of her for seeing that she has something that could make someone else happy and then does something about it. She may be strong willed and makes me want to scream and pull my hair out most days, but there are some days that give me such hope for the wonderful woman she is going to be some day...and today was definitely one of those days <3

She got the itch! Then there were three...

Life as a family of four was amazing. Four is a great number; you all fit in a car without being squished, hamburger rolls come in multiples of four, each parent is responsible for one kid when you're out and about. We had our girl and our boy, so people assumed we were done having kids. Pete assumed we were done. I felt like something was missing.

So we adopted a cat. That didn't fill my void (sorry, Moe!).


We adopted a dog. That really didn't help, and we ended up taking him back to a shelter after a few months. Luckily Mack was adopted out really quick, which put me at ease.

In April 2009, my friend Sarah had another baby, a little girl, E. As soon as I saw her, I knew what was missing. I wanted another baby.

I mentioned it to Pete, and immediately, the answer was NO. I can't say I blame him. I'm definitely not the easiest person to get along with while I'm pregnant; we weren't together during most of my pregnancy with Paige, and while pregnant with Nate I was either irritable or slept. After having a baby, it was even worse...I tend to value sleep, and lots of it, which is something completely lacking with a newborn in the house!

I didn't take no for an answer; I kept bringing the subject up, and I lived and breathed babies. Every time I saw one, my heart melted and it just made me want another one even more. After a couple of months of talking about it, Pete agreed.

On Nate's second birthday, I found out we were indeed expecting baby #3, nicknamed 'Little Critter'. Pete was still asleep when I took the test, so I wrote a little note card for him saying "See you in April, Daddy! Love, Little Critter" for him to wake up to. I was nervous as Pete was still a little unsure about having a third, but he was really excited about it.

We didn't tell the kids right away. I had a doctor's appointment a couple days later, and when I brought home samples and magazines, Paige saw them and said "There's a baby in your belly! YAY!" Nate was excited, but didn't really understand what was going on. We announced the pregnancy to the rest of the family at Nate's birthday party. The last gift was a card, which said "May your birthday be filled with lots of wonderful surprises!", and I signed it "Love your baby brother or sister". It took a few minutes for it to sink in, but everyone was super excited for us.

This pregnancy seemed to be very similar to Nate's, with the exhaustion and morning sickness. I was a little excited, though, as I wanted another little boy, but would have been happy with another sweet girl. Pete was convinced it was a boy, but I really thought it was a girl.

We were able to narrow our name choices down to one boy name and one girl name before our ultrasound. If it was a girl, she would be Kathryn Rayven, or Kate, and a boy would be Ryan Rayve. The best man in our wedding and close family friend Preston's middle name is Rayve, and we couldn't imagine naming our child after a more amazing person. We went in for our ultrasound in November, and right away the tech was able to tell us that we were indeed expecting our second son! It was amazing being able to see my baby and know his name. We again went out and picked out his coming home outfit, and were able to share our news and his first name only with our family. We had a feeling that the middle name would spark some controversy, so we kept that to ourselves until he was born.

Ryan's face and belly

The pregnancy seemed to be going along smoothly...until February hit. I wasn't doing too well, and my doctor put me on modified bed rest. I was relieved that it wasn't full bed rest where I'd have to be lying down all day, but even resting more was going to be difficult having two young children in the house. I was going to have to ask for help, and I HATE asking anyone for anything. I'm a prideful person to a fault, and I was going to have to get over that. People came over to the house to clean for me, and our church was bringing us dinners every night so Pete could take care of us and not have to worry about cleaning and cooking.

On February 10th, I had signs of preterm labor. I still had 2 months left of the pregnancy, so the outcome was uncertain that if I did indeed go into labor if Ryan would make it again. Flashbacks to labor with Paige came into my head of her possibly not surviving, and I was not okay with that. My wonderful mother-in-law came over and picked Nate and I up to take me to the doctor's. Paige was in preschool, and my neighbor was going to pick her up and keep her as long as I needed her to. The doctor's office said I was slightly dilated, and were sending me over to the hospital for a non-stress test to make sure the baby was okay.

At the hospital, I was given a drink, put in a comfy bed, and just sat while we heard Ryan kicking and moving and acting happy due to the test. Me, however, was not happy and ended up passing out. The nurses ended up giving me fluids and my doctor came over to check me out. It looked like things were okay, that it really was a false alarm, but we did an ultrasound just to make sure. It was so nice seeing Ry not look so much like an alien on the screen, and other than having too much amniotic fluid, everything looked fine. I was given a steroid injection to help build Ry's lungs if indeed I went into labor, and I was sent home that night, exhausted, and with instructions to stay resting as much as possible. I was so glad my mother-in-law was with me for support, and Nate was amazing the whole time we were there, even though he missed out on his nap. I went back to the hospital the next day for the second steroid injection.

Life on modified bed rest was annoying, but it was good for the kids. We read more, we played more, and they had to really learn responsibility. They would make their beds, put away dishes, and learned to take care of me by bringing me snacks and filling up my water bottle for me.

In March, I had false labor many many times. I was instructed to head to the hospital when my contractions were constant at 5 minutes apart as I tend to stall in labor, then progress really quickly, and being almost an hour away, we had to get there ASAP. Whenever I'd head out the door to get to the car, the contractions would stop. I was tired, frustrated, and ready for things to be over.

He still hadn't arrived by April 1st. I wasn't due until the 9th, but the doctor kept telling me he would arrive early. She was convinced I'd have a March baby, but that hadn't happened. On April 2nd, I went into the doctor's office panicked because I hadn't been feeling Ryan move. She sent me over to the hospital for another non-stress test, and I was contracting every 4 minutes. I was sent home.

On April 3rd, I was having contractions every 10 minutes with no progress.

On April 4th, it was Easter Sunday. The contractions were worse, and I was exhausted from having contractions for 2 days. I barely made it through our church breakfast, and the service wasn't much better. Everyone kept telling me to go to the hospital, and I wasn't sure if it was time yet. No one at the maternity ward would answer the phone, so we just hung out. When I finally got ahold of a nurse, she said it didn't sound like I was in labor as I could talk through my contractions, but to come in anyway. We dropped the kids off at the neighbor's house and went to the hospital.

Once there, it was around noon. The nurse looked at me, said "Oh, you really are in labor!" and basically admitted me immediately. I was given a room, changed into my gown, and began walking to get things moving. I was stalled at 4 cm, and we walked for hours. That night, a doctor came in, and induced me. I was so excited to have this be over with, and I was starving as I hadn't eaten since 7 that morning. The contractions got faster and harder, but didn't progress. The doctor went to break my water, but everything was up too high, and then the medicine stopped working. For the first time in 3 days I didn't have a single contraction. He signed papers for me to be released, but I refused to leave. Pete and I got ready for bed, and I cried myself to sleep. We awoke around 7 am. I hadn't eaten in 24 hours, and I had no contractions. I wanted to go home, but thankfully Pete wouldn't allow it. I was still not allowed food. Pete did sneak me a french fry from his lunch, but that only made me hungrier. The contractions came back, and my doctor came in and induced me again. They got faster and harder, just like the previous time, but I wasn't hoping for anything. The door to my room opened, and in walked Donna! I couldn't believe it! She was so excited to see us too, and couldn't believe how big Paige and Nate were when I showed her their pictures. She helped Pete coach me through the whole delivery, and without them, I don't think I would have made it in one piece.

Finally, at 5:29 pm, after being in labor for the better part of 4 days, Ryan Rayve entered the world at 8 lbs 10 oz and 21 1/2 inches long. The best part? I finally got my red head! After he was delivered, the nurse asked me if I needed anything, and all I said was "FOOD!!!" I ate a sandwich and a whole box of granola bars!

Me and the kids; the empty space in my life was filled

We had a lot of visitors, but the best part was finally seeing Paige and Nate with their new baby brother. Paige was upset she didn't get a sister, but she told me Ryan was perfect anyway.

We were finally discharged late Wednesday afternoon, and it was wonderful going home. Ryan was a super easy baby from the start, sleeping at night and only waking once or twice a night. He was happy and content, and life was perfect.

Having three kids, to me, is easier than two. Don't get me wrong, it's definitely a challenge, but there's just something about it that makes life complete for me. We no longer fit in a car super comfortably, especially on longer trips, but having a van works better for us, especially when we go to BJ's and stock up on things. We may not be able to divide up a pack of hamburger rolls evenly, but usually one of the kids doesn't want a roll for their burger, so it works out. The kids may outnumber Pete and I now, but even Pete agrees, we wouldn't have it any other way.

The journey to Two

After Paigey was born, Pete and I didn't get married right away. I took a semester off from college, and Paige and I lived with my parents. That summer I started working at a local animal hospital where I had worked in high school, and that fall I returned to college part time for my last year of college. It was far from easy, being gone from Paige so much with working and school, but my mom was watching her and I knew that it was for our benefit in the future if I finished up my degree and worked to provide for our needs. Having a child forced me to mature quickly, and I wanted to be someone she would look up to and want to emulate in the future.

Enjoying her first birthday cake!

We celebrated holidays and Paigey's birthday. It was a wild and crazy first year, but we wouldn't have traded it for anything. Pete and I grew as people, and we grew closer together...Paige just grew and grew and grew!

On St. Patrick's day, Pete had plans to take me out to dinner and to see the musical 'The Lion King,' which happens to be one of my favorite movies of all time. My co-workers were convinced he was proposing, and although he and I had talked about it, I didn't think this would have been the time. However, I was wrong, and we were engaged!

Seven and a half months later, we were married on October 28th, 2006.

Our good friends Sarah and Eric attended our wedding; they had been a huge help in the planning, as we wanted to do most of it ourselves and do it cheaply. Sarah was due to have their first child any day now, so we were blessed to have them in attendance. A few days later, their son was born, and as soon as I saw a picture, I wanted another baby.

[Side note: it's very funny and Sarah and I joke about it all the time, but when her son J was born, I wanted another baby. When our second was born, she wanted another, then had baby E. When E was born, I wanted another, and a year later our youngest was born. Sarah wanted another then, and a year later, baby L was born. If I didn't babysit baby L, I may have wanted to try for a fourth...]

Pete and I knew we wanted another child, but we wanted to get used to being married first. Although Pete was very involved with raising Paigey, going from being basically just him most of the time to dealing with a wife and child full time was going to be a rough transition, and we wanted to ease into it. Unfortunately not for Pete, that wasn't the case. We found out early in December that we were indeed expecting Baby #2!

It was a nice change of pace to know that I was pregnant, but I had no idea what to expect. Things were so different this time; I had morning sickness, food aversions, exhaustion, the worst heartburn, and I got HUUUUGE!

As big as a house, and only 7 months along!

Pete and I celebrated our one year anniversary of getting engaged by getting an ultrasound; we found out we were expecting a little boy! Pete was thrilled to get a boy; I was terrified! Although I grew up in a neighborhood of all boys and two tomboys, I knew how to parent a little girl. Would I be up to the challenges of a little boy? What if he wanted to ride a motorcycle or dirt bike when he was older? What if his greatest joy was to climb up all the furniture and hang from the light fixtures like a monkey? Could I handle it? The ultrasound showed a perfectly healthy baby, and after our appointment we went to the store and picked out a coming home outfit for our little guy. We went to Pete's parent's house to get Paige, and shared our news.

My due date was August 1st, and it couldn't come soon enough. It was one of the hottest summers we had had years, and thankfully our apartment came with an air conditioner. I could be found sitting in front of it quite often, and we even slept in our living room just so I could keep cool. I had false labor on my due date, but just as we were ready to head to the hospital, everything stopped.

On August 3rd, I woke up with contractions, and I remembered these ones. I called my doctor's office, and they wanted me to come in mid afternoon to get checked, but if anything changed, go to the hospital. At my appointment, I was indeed in labor, and they sent me to the hospital to walk around with instructions to head to the hospital once the contractions were every 3 minutes apart. We walked about 20 minutes, then head over to the hospital. My parents met us there; my mom was going to be a back up coach in case Pete was uncomfortable in the delivery room. I was at the same hospital where Paige was delivered, and guess who was on duty that night? My favorite nurse, Donna! However, the nurse who was attending me, was awful. I felt like I had to push, but as I was only 4 cm dilated, she said it wasn't possible, and that I'd know what 'real' contractions felt like when I had them. After being there for an hour or so, I was sent home. I was furious as we lived almost an hour away, but what was I supposed to do? We drove home, and I remember crying the whole way home feeling like I was a stupid pregnant lady who didn't know what contractions really felt like.

Fast forward an hour or so, and my contractions were really bad. I remember telling Pete that we had to head out to the hospital, but I couldn't get up off the floor I was in so much pain. He tried to help me up, and my water broke. He went to call his dad, who is a nurse, and I remember yelling at him that what I needed was an ambulance otherwise he'd be delivering our baby!

The ambulance arrived within minutes, and they wheeled me out on a stretcher and yet again, I was in an ambulance, in labor, on the way to the hospital. Anyone who knows me knows I can't do anything the easy way, and my labors and deliveries prove that fact! One of the paramedics was panicking on the way to the hospital, which was 20 minutes from our apartment. I kept telling her I had to push, and the baby was coming. She didn't want to deliver the baby, so I ended up trying to comfort her rather than her comfort me!

We arrived at the hospital, and Pete arrived a couple minutes later. They made him do some paperwork, so I was taken up to the delivery room without him. The doctor on call was no where to be found, so all the nurses except for one left to find her. The one nurse who was with me ended up delivering our sweet little boy at 10:20 pm at 8 lbs 1 oz and 21 inches long. Pete arrived in the room at 10:22. I told him, jokingly, that we'd just have to keep having children until he was in the delivery room with me!

We had two names picked out, and as we couldn't decide, we waited until we saw our son to see which name fit him more. It was an easy decision; Nathan Thomas (Thomas after Pete's dad's middle name) fit him perfectly. Pete's choice was Robert Wilfred. I loved the name Rob/Robbie for a boy, and Wilfred was his paternal grandfather's name, but Nathan just fit him better.

My parents arrived around midnight and met their first grandson, then made the hour and a half trip back home. We had many visitors the next day, including the brand new big sister, who was so in love with her baby brother!

Our beautiful babies

Adjusting to life with two wasn't as hard as I had imagined; the hard part was that Nate was awake at night, and Paige was awake during the day. Nate also had reflux for a few months, which made sleep difficult for him. He was a perfect fit for our family, and we were convinced after a the two crazy deliveries, we were done having children....but who was to know that the baby bug was going to bite me again?

My adventure in becoming a mom

Life as a mom is one adventure after another, as I'm sure many mothers will agree. You never know what will happen from one moment to the next, whether it be happy moments or sad, but every moment is a treasured one.

My adventure in becoming a mom is not your typical one. Many women pee on a stick or visit a doctor and, depending on who you are and where you are in life, you get the long awaited or even dreaded news that you are pregnant. Most people are lucky in that way, but me being me, that is not how this particular story begins.

It was February 16th, 2005. I was a junior in college, studying studio art and art history, while working part time at the college library. I had been having weird cramping off and on all day, which had been common for me; a month earlier (January 17th, to be exact), my OB had diagnosed me with having Irritable Bowel Syndrome, or IBS for short. He ran no tests of any kind, but he was a doctor and knew what he was talking about, so who was I to question him? Anyway, my cramping was fairly annoying, but I dragged myself to work nonetheless. Thankfully I was a shelver, so I got to work as slow as I wanted in a corner that no one seemed to visit frequently. My 2 hour shift seemed to drag on and on, and when I was done, I treated myself to a chai tea at the library cafe. My favorite cashier was working, and she knew something was up. After telling her I was fine, she finally let me leave and go back to my dorm. I put my feet up, and tossed and turned all night. My usual medicines the doctor told me to take were not helping, and I was getting a little concerned.

The next morning was a Thursday. The cramping was worse, and I felt nauseous. My room mate and a suite mate got me some water and a cool wash cloth, and just thought I had the flu. I was laying on the bathroom floor when they left for their classes with promises of getting me some flu meds from the store upon their return back to our suite. At some point I ended up calling my dad, who was laid off from work at the time. He decided he'd come up to see me and make sure I was taken care of. I was so grateful that he was able to do that as I could barely move. My boyfriend at the time was in class, as was everyone on our floor. I remember going back to the bathroom and vomiting, and as I finished, I remember seeing blood in the toilet. I crawled back to my room, called my dad in a panic, and he said he was on his way, a 45 minute drive, to meet me at the hospital. My mom had just gotten home for her lunch break, so she was going to accompany him. I called 911, and the ambulance came for me. I remember one of the paramedics asking if I was pregnant, and I told him no. I had taken a couple pregnancy tests over the past few months, but they had come back negative, and that although my period had been late off and on, I never missed a cycle. I explained I had IBS, and he got a look of panic on his face. It was my first time in an ambulance, but wouldn't be my last (that adventure will come another day!).

Upon arriving at the hospital around 11 am, a nurse took over examining me and taking my blood pressure. Besides being stressed and panicking, all my vitals were fairly normal. I wish I could remember her name, but she said she was a Christian, and asked if she could pray for me. I really felt like God was watching over me, and I remember the two of us crying together and praying. Another nurse came in, and this one I remember; her name is Donna, and she is my favorite nurse ever. She had a funny little monitor, and asked if I'd lift my shirt up. I did, and she put it on my belly. All I heard was a whooshing sound. Donna and the nurse looked at each other, then Donna asked if I knew what that sound was. I said it was my heart, and she said this:

"Honey....that's not your heart. It's the baby's."

You know how you hear about your life flashing before your eyes when you think you're going to die? My life and all my dreams for my future flashed before my eyes. My belly was so tiny the nurses said I was only 4 or 5 months along, which was not a good scenario to be in; although I knew nothing about pregnancies and baby development, I knew there was a very good chance my baby would not survive for very long. I remember tears running down my face; I was grieving for what I was about to lose, for what was to come. I was scared, I was in shock, and at that moment, I felt very alone. But I was also very determined to do what I had to do to have a successful birth for my child and to provide for it, no matter what happened. I put my game face on, and did what I had to do.

My parents arrived not long after that. I was the one who broke the news to them; Donna had offered to tell them for me, but I knew it was something I had to do. My mom was in shock to put it mildly. Donna helped keep her standing, and my dad, well...he got that look in his eye, that although he may be disappointed in me, he was ecstatic he was going to be a grandfather! My mom had asked a nurse if it was really possible that I could be pregnant and not know it, and she said it was, that they had had a girl come in around Christmas who also didn't know. This, of course, was looong before the tv show ever debuted!

I don't remember much of the delivery room. My dad was behind me supporting me, and my mom was next to me coaching me through everything. It's not the ideal situation for a woman in childbirth to have her parents in the delivery room, but in my situation, I couldn't have imagined a more perfect scenario. My doctor was amazing; he was a gentle older man, and had the most soothing voice ever. Donna helped deliver the baby as well. I remember her asking if I wanted to keep the baby or give her up for adoption, and I remember answering right away that I wanted to keep it.

After I pushed for 15 minutes, my beautiful baby girl entered the world at 2:45 pm, weighing in at 7 lbs 12 oz, and 20 1/2 oz. She had red hair, just like her mommy, and instead of screaming and crying, she was cooing. My mom left the delivery room as my grandparents had arrived and were in the waiting room; my dad had called them for directions, and they raced over to be with me. My dad did his little jig he does when he's excited, said "I'm a grandpa!" and went over to admire his granddaughter. He got to cut her cord, and he got to hold her hand. She was absolutely perfect, got perfect APGAR scores, and was a pretty shade of pink when I finally got to hold her.

Our first morning home

When I was wheeled to my room, I was holding her, and my grandparents were waiting for me. I wasn't sure how they would react, but they were so excited to be great grandparents for the first time!

The next couple hours flew by; I remember my room mate visiting me, and my dad went to tell my brother, who was fortunately attending the same college I was. My dad and brother even went over to the science building where my boyfriend (now husband!), Pete, was in lab, and pulled him out of his class and brought him to the hospital. He had heard a rumor I was there, but thought I'd be home as I was fine that morning. When my dad finally convinced him to come, he was shocked I was in the maternity wing. I don't remember exactly what I told him, but we were crying together as I told him he was a daddy to the most beautiful girl ever born. My parents left shortly after, and Pete and I cracked open the baby name books the nurses provided. After an hour or so, we had her name: Paige Elizabeth. I remember we called his parents, who were in shock. They visited the next morning, and I remember that once they saw here, they fell in love.

We were surrounded by family and friends for the time we were in the hospital. I remember panicking at one point as I had nothing for Paige, no blankets, bottles, or diapers, but by the time we arrived home on Saturday, we had enough to provide for at least two babies! My mom's coworkers had taken up a donation of over $300, our college friends bought toys, books and blankets, aunts and uncles gave us a pack and play and carseat, we got diaper bags, bottles, a high chair. I remember we came home to my parent's living room packed full of baby things that had come in in the two days we were in the hospital. I never had felt so blessed in my life.

Life has had it's crazy moments since then, but this adventure I'm on called motherhood, has been worth it every step of the way. This blog is going to be a way for my friends and family to keep up with our crazy life now that we have three children, but also to hopefully encourage other mothers out there living the adventure with me!