Endings, Beginnings, and Struggles

This year has brought about a lot of changes for me.

In February, after almost 7 years of babysitting out of my home, I handed in my resignation to all of the families I worked for, effective the end of the school year. It was a really difficult decision, full of emotions and stress. But my health was failing, I had so many demands that only I could meet, and with three kids in school the upcoming year, I was going to be needed more.

When I'm asked if I miss the babysitting, it's hard to find the right answer. I don't miss a lot of it, but I miss the kids so much. I miss the snuggles, the laughter, them growing. My house is so quiet now as it's just me and our pets during the day. But I'm able to focus more on my business during the day and be more available for the kids when they get home from school.

But it really is a struggle for me to get used to the new schedule.

A lot of people have been asking me how things are going, and I love the support I'm getting.

But there are some people who do a double take, who expect me to go out and get "a real job" now that I'm done babysitting and all three kids are in school. I then get the dreaded question:

"So, what do you do all day then?"

I never know how to answer. I'm sure they picture me sitting on my couch, watching tv and eating chocolate all day.

I usually stumble through a quick line about some project I'm working on, but what I really want to say is this:

I've been a mom for 10 1/2 years now, and a wife for almost 9. In all that time, I have not been a priority. Kids always need to be fed, diapers changed, protected, entertained. Husbands need to be fed, his clothes ready for work.

Please don't get me wrong, I love being a wife and mother.

But somewhere in all that time I lost myself.

If I didn't get a shower every day, or sometimes even every other day, that became the norm.

If I needed new clothes, I probably wouldn't get them because kids needed diapers or school supplies. And that became okay.

My life became sweatpants, frumpy hair, doing chores and errands for everyone else. Because their needs felt greater than my own.

I don't know how to take care of me without feeling guilty about it.

I have so many obligations for my business right now. Christmas is coming, so I need to get stock built up and in my Etsy store, promote my Christmas products, and work on commissions that will be gifts. I'm promoting the first book in the children's book series that I illustrated as well as starting work on book 2.

I'm volunteering for an hour every other week in Ryan's classroom by helping out with math. I just went with the kindergartners on my very first field trip this past week. My oldest two kids are in 4th and 5th grades, and I hadn't been on a field trip yet.

Mommy and Ry at the pumpkin patch!

I'm busy, so busy...doing important, wonderful things.

And when the house work doesn't get done, I'm the only one who seems bothered by it. I feel like I'm not serving my family the way they need, which is crazy. And yes, my husband and kids help out so much around here, so please don't think otherwise.

Last night, I gave myself a pep talk. I told myself that I was doing fine, I just had to get into my rhythm and adapt to the new schedule. I went to sleep, doubting that I'd be able to stay pumped up for today, figuring it would be another depressing day of not getting much done and feeling like I needed to scramble just to survive the day.

But this morning I woke up, ready to face the day.

My kids got on the bus at 7:30, and for an hour and a half I cleaned.

I didn't get everything done, but that was okay. The house looked so much better that it had been, and I could focus on work. I then sent out emails, I photographed products and listed them on Etsy. I wrote a blog post for my business blog, I took a long hot shower, and got caught up on laundry (6 loads were washed, folded, AND put away today! It's a miracle!).

Today wasn't perfect. My work stuff is still all over the coffee table, there are still crumbs on the counters, and the toilets weren't scrubbed.

But it was a better day. And tomorrow might not be a good day, but it's going to take time to build this habit of finding balance and finding me in this new stage of life.

Answering the "what do you do all day" question still isn't going to be easy, and that's okay. But it's not going to be a quick, shy answer anymore. I don't know what I'll say yet, but every day that passes, that answer will be more confident than the day before.


How are you guys doing? How do you balance everything in your life?

My Stuggles

Thank you to all of you who have been praying for me this past week and/or have been checking up on me in various ways. I am okay, but here's a bit of what's going on:

- I hate the winter months. Once January hits, I'm done with snow. January is either nice, warm and sunny or snow storms. February is usually snow, and March is usually lots of snow, but you know spring is soooo close. It drives me mad. I need my sunshine, to be outside in the dirt, or just be able to open my windows. I'm pretty sure I suffer from the seasonal affective disorder (SAD), so it doesn't matter what's going on in my life, I'm depressed and nothing seems to go right. This past week especially was really difficult for me, and happened to affect everything else.

- January's babysitting schedule was way heavier than normal. And not just because I picked up N, but my part timers during the day were more full time than normal. I barely had any free time, so all my projects (or any 'me' time) were pushed to the side...they're sitting there, mocking me. I hate having piles of anything, and if it's projects for me to work on, it clutters up my mind and I have a hard time concentrating on anything.

- The kids are all going bonkers. They've also got cabin fever, and can't wait to be outside again. Because our space heater in the basement died, they can't go down to the playroom to play, so everyone (including all the babysitting kids) have had to stay upstairs, which makes for messy house, kids everywhere, and my kids have no privacy as everyone wants to play in their rooms.

- Things have been strained with my marriage. Before I go any farther, please understand that I love my husband with all my heart, and would choose him over again, even on our worse days. We seem to be in a bit of rough patch. Lately we've barely been speaking, and most of that really has been because of all the things going on stated above, and he only came home on time a handful of times from work in January. With working two jobs and having multiple responsibilities at his schools, he's just overwhelmed right now. He comes home tired and cranky, and we're all tired and cranky here. It hasn't been the most welcoming and peaceful place around here lately...

- We're doing pretty well financially, but because I'm a spender, I feel like I'm working and working all for nothing. Don't get me wrong, we've spent the babysitting money on very important things, but things that I don't really get to see (a new water softener system, paid off our debt, a new mattress, building up our savings account). I want to do fun things, like build an addition on to the house, or extend our deck out, or build our bookcases in our bedroom...things like that. Sometimes being responsible is no fun :(

- I have no idea what I'm supposed to be or how I'm supposed to act. Ever since I did my guest post on Proverbs 31:18, I've been seeing articles everywhere on what Christian wives and mothers should do: home school their kids, have lots of kids, primp and have a happy face and attitude when their hubby gets home because he's had a long hard day and needs to come home to a happy relaxing place with a pretty wife, and train their daughters to be home makers. Okay, so some of those weren't exactly how they were written in the blogs/articles, but that was the idea behind them. For those of you who know me, I am NOT your typical Christian house wife/stay-at-home mom. And because all these things I've been reading lately seems to be what I'm not, I was feeling like I wasn't doing anything right, and that I'm a crappy wife and mother, and that I was not living for God the way I should be.

So as you can see, it's a lot of little things all messing with my head lately and I just couldn't take it any more last week. But things are looking up right now:

- It's still winter, but I saw sun today. And there's nothing that says I can't break out a bright summer dress with leggings and a sweater to brighten my day :)

- This week's babysitting schedule is super crazy during the day, but lighter before and after school. I temporarily do not have N before and after school every day right now; there's a bit of a family crisis so N's grandma is moving in with them for the next couple months, and she'll put him on and off the bus. Yes, I'm losing out on money, but I think we all need some time with less on our plates right now.

- We ordered a new furnace for downstairs and it should be here by the end of the week :) Yay for sending kids downstairs for quiet mommy time and they get to burn off energy running around like maniacs!

- Pete and I had a date Friday night; a couple of our friends basically kicked us out of our house and sent us to the movies to see 'The Hobbit'. Just being away from the house and the kids and having a two hour round trip to talk was just what we needed. It was our second time in three weeks having a date away from the house (we saw 'Les Miserables' in January). Pete's brother joined us at the theater, so it was nice having extra time to see Derrick :) (Thanks S&V again for sitting on our babies for us! <3) Things still aren't normal with our marriage, but we're talking now and trying to put each other first more.

- After a couple hours last Monday working on how we were going to afford our new furnace, that furnace deal fell through (frustrating)...but we're getting one cheaper and better for the space! And the difference in cost between the furnace is the exact amount we needed to send Pete on our church's retreat this weekend! We're also feeling ridiculously blessed right now as the money we have in savings is how much I've brought in all school year babysitting....but it doesn't make sense because so much of the babysitting money has paid a several thousand dollars in debt/water system/tablet/mattress/furnace. The numbers shouldn't be like this, but they are....thank you, God!!!

- Just because I don't fit into the mold of most Christian moms and wives, doesn't mean I'm doing it wrong. God needs all kinds of people. I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be perfect. But I'm doing okay. Things won't always go smoothly, and that's okay, too. Thanks to my mother-in-law for talking for over an hour Saturday and straightening me out <3


So I'm doing okay right now. I'm still tired, behind on cleaning and projects, and still depressed, but I'm trying to change my attitude. I'm trying to find something to be thankful about in every situation (like I did with my thankfulness series), and that is helping me get through. Knowing people love me, accept me, and are praying for me helps a lot, too. Thank you <3


Are you struggling right now? If you'd like me to be praying, leave a comment down below or email me at mommyapps@gmail.com. Nothing is too small to ask help with!

Quiet on the Blog

I apologize for the lack of posting this week. I'm struggling with a lot of things right now, and am just uninspired to write.

If you believe in the power of prayer, please be praying for me. It would be greatly appreciated <3

SAHM I Am

As you know, I'm a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM). I've been struggling lately, feeling like everything I do doesn't matter because it's just going to need to get done again either that day or the next. So I read a book by the infamous Dr. Laura called In Praise of Stay-at-Home-Moms.

I didn't know what to expect, because either people love or hate Dr. Laura, and I didn't know enough about her to make my own decision. I may not love everything she has to say, but man, I loved that book! I read it in less than two days, and my whole attitude just feels different about staying home. I feel like what I do matters, and that what I do will make such a difference for my family down the road.

With the book finished, I'm trying to arrange my priorities even more. I always tried to put my kids first, but lately I think I've been putting a clean house first, thinking that if my house is clean, the family will be happier. That's true to an extent, but if I'm cleaning so much that I miss out on the little moments with my family, I'm not accomplishing what I set out to do.

I started putting this into practice this morning. I put Mister W down for his mid morning nap, and then got on the floor with Ryan and Miss A to play cars. Normally they'll play well for awhile then start fighting, but there was no fighting at all! They were much happier, and I had so much fun playing and giggling along with them. I was so refreshed and happy that I didn't mind cleaning when they went down for their naps; my morning stress level was so much lower than normal I didn't need that time to recharge.

Tonight after dinner, I told Pete I would clean up because I had been baking all day and hadn't finished cleaning up from that. But the kids were dancing in the living room, and the dishes could wait, right? So we danced, and laughed, and the kids went to bed happy and loved. The dishes were still there later, and Pete and I took care of them together and were actually able to have a conversation together for the first time in days (it's amazing how life just gets disrupted when you have a sick kid!). Pete left for guy's night happy, and I'm able to enjoy some me time now, guilt free.

I'll be trying to compile a list of reasons why I love being a SAHM, and if you're a SAHM too, I'd love to hear what you love about it!

I love it because:

• I am the one to kiss all the boo-boos when they're hurt
• I get to see and experience all the 'firsts' - first steps, first smile, etc.
• I get to join in on all the impromptu dance fests

If there are any working moms out there, I completely respect your choice to work. Please don't feel like I'm bashing your choice at all; I worked for about a year or so before Pete and I got married, and it just wasn't for me. I couldn't concentrate on my job, and I was miserable because I knew I was missing out on so much. This is just me growing and learning more about myself, and hopefully encouraging others like me to see that what they do is important too :)


SAHMs, what do you love about being home with your kids? Let's encourage each other, especially as cold weather is coming and we'll be cooped up more!