I don't know where to start this post. Or what to write when I do get it started.
I've been struggling the past few weeks with a lot of things. I've been in a funk and depressed. With decisions hanging over our head, end of the school year busyness, kids acting out, feeling tired of the same old same old daily routine, and having a to-do list a mile long, it's just been too much for me and I've been...off.
Then someone I thought I could trust hurt me deeply.
I felt overwhelmed, crushed, and even more depressed than before. I spent a lot of time crying and sleeping.
I also spent a lot of time praying and studying scripture passages.
But it wasn't until I was on the phone with my awesome friend Corrie that I really started feeling better. She reminded me that the only thing that matters is what God thinks of me.
It was like a light bulb went off over my head. A switch was flipped, and all of a sudden, it didn't matter that someone didn't like me or that the kids were acting like little demons or my house was a disaster.
All that mattered was what God thought.
It got me thinking as I started doing some cleaning: what would Jesus think if he showed up at my house right then?
Would he be upset that my house was a mess? That laundry was piled up sky high, that the dining room floor hadn't been swept in days and there was toothpaste globs in the kids' bathroom sink? That army men were hiding in our living room carpet, ready to attack our poor defenseless feet at a moment's notice?
Or would he be more bothered by me yelling at my kids because Mommy's so stressed, or not spending time enjoying them while they're young? Is my attitude okay, or am I grumbling about every little thing?
In the end I feel like it's more of a balance between those things: nothing belongs to us, it's all on loan from God and we are stewards of what we're given...meaning we do need to take care of our house and keep it looking nice and hospitable, but at the same time not stressing if the house isn't picture perfect because I'm spending time with my kids. As Mom, my attitude affects everyone in the family. I need to have an attitude that is loving, encouraging, and I really struggle with that.
I feel like God's really working on my attitude and learning to glorify him in everything I do. My goal for this week is to do something every day to bless my family to show them I love them and care. Yesterday it was something as simple as taking the big pile of stuff from our dining room down to the basement. This made it easier for the kids to get to the table for meal time, and it just looked nicer and more welcome. We were all much calmer last night and were able to enjoy dinner together.
Before anyone asks or thinks that I'm completely okay with everything and life is picture perfect now, that isn't true. At all. I'm still stressed out, and I'm still hurt. But things are better because I'm choosing to not dwell on them. I'm taking things one day at a time, and am being extremely cautious in regards to the one friendship.
It also helps knowing that there is just over 2 weeks of school left, and then it'll just be the five of us this summer. No work, no babysitting, just us. We all could use a break after this year, and summer is so close we can taste it :)
What struggles are you going through, and what are you learning from them?