Monday, February 4, 2013

My Stuggles

Thank you to all of you who have been praying for me this past week and/or have been checking up on me in various ways. I am okay, but here's a bit of what's going on:

- I hate the winter months. Once January hits, I'm done with snow. January is either nice, warm and sunny or snow storms. February is usually snow, and March is usually lots of snow, but you know spring is soooo close. It drives me mad. I need my sunshine, to be outside in the dirt, or just be able to open my windows. I'm pretty sure I suffer from the seasonal affective disorder (SAD), so it doesn't matter what's going on in my life, I'm depressed and nothing seems to go right. This past week especially was really difficult for me, and happened to affect everything else.

- January's babysitting schedule was way heavier than normal. And not just because I picked up N, but my part timers during the day were more full time than normal. I barely had any free time, so all my projects (or any 'me' time) were pushed to the side...they're sitting there, mocking me. I hate having piles of anything, and if it's projects for me to work on, it clutters up my mind and I have a hard time concentrating on anything.

- The kids are all going bonkers. They've also got cabin fever, and can't wait to be outside again. Because our space heater in the basement died, they can't go down to the playroom to play, so everyone (including all the babysitting kids) have had to stay upstairs, which makes for messy house, kids everywhere, and my kids have no privacy as everyone wants to play in their rooms.

- Things have been strained with my marriage. Before I go any farther, please understand that I love my husband with all my heart, and would choose him over again, even on our worse days. We seem to be in a bit of rough patch. Lately we've barely been speaking, and most of that really has been because of all the things going on stated above, and he only came home on time a handful of times from work in January. With working two jobs and having multiple responsibilities at his schools, he's just overwhelmed right now. He comes home tired and cranky, and we're all tired and cranky here. It hasn't been the most welcoming and peaceful place around here lately...

- We're doing pretty well financially, but because I'm a spender, I feel like I'm working and working all for nothing. Don't get me wrong, we've spent the babysitting money on very important things, but things that I don't really get to see (a new water softener system, paid off our debt, a new mattress, building up our savings account). I want to do fun things, like build an addition on to the house, or extend our deck out, or build our bookcases in our bedroom...things like that. Sometimes being responsible is no fun :(

- I have no idea what I'm supposed to be or how I'm supposed to act. Ever since I did my guest post on Proverbs 31:18, I've been seeing articles everywhere on what Christian wives and mothers should do: home school their kids, have lots of kids, primp and have a happy face and attitude when their hubby gets home because he's had a long hard day and needs to come home to a happy relaxing place with a pretty wife, and train their daughters to be home makers. Okay, so some of those weren't exactly how they were written in the blogs/articles, but that was the idea behind them. For those of you who know me, I am NOT your typical Christian house wife/stay-at-home mom. And because all these things I've been reading lately seems to be what I'm not, I was feeling like I wasn't doing anything right, and that I'm a crappy wife and mother, and that I was not living for God the way I should be.

So as you can see, it's a lot of little things all messing with my head lately and I just couldn't take it any more last week. But things are looking up right now:

- It's still winter, but I saw sun today. And there's nothing that says I can't break out a bright summer dress with leggings and a sweater to brighten my day :)

- This week's babysitting schedule is super crazy during the day, but lighter before and after school. I temporarily do not have N before and after school every day right now; there's a bit of a family crisis so N's grandma is moving in with them for the next couple months, and she'll put him on and off the bus. Yes, I'm losing out on money, but I think we all need some time with less on our plates right now.

- We ordered a new furnace for downstairs and it should be here by the end of the week :) Yay for sending kids downstairs for quiet mommy time and they get to burn off energy running around like maniacs!

- Pete and I had a date Friday night; a couple of our friends basically kicked us out of our house and sent us to the movies to see 'The Hobbit'. Just being away from the house and the kids and having a two hour round trip to talk was just what we needed. It was our second time in three weeks having a date away from the house (we saw 'Les Miserables' in January). Pete's brother joined us at the theater, so it was nice having extra time to see Derrick :) (Thanks S&V again for sitting on our babies for us! <3) Things still aren't normal with our marriage, but we're talking now and trying to put each other first more.

- After a couple hours last Monday working on how we were going to afford our new furnace, that furnace deal fell through (frustrating)...but we're getting one cheaper and better for the space! And the difference in cost between the furnace is the exact amount we needed to send Pete on our church's retreat this weekend! We're also feeling ridiculously blessed right now as the money we have in savings is how much I've brought in all school year babysitting....but it doesn't make sense because so much of the babysitting money has paid a several thousand dollars in debt/water system/tablet/mattress/furnace. The numbers shouldn't be like this, but they are....thank you, God!!!

- Just because I don't fit into the mold of most Christian moms and wives, doesn't mean I'm doing it wrong. God needs all kinds of people. I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be perfect. But I'm doing okay. Things won't always go smoothly, and that's okay, too. Thanks to my mother-in-law for talking for over an hour Saturday and straightening me out <3

So I'm doing okay right now. I'm still tired, behind on cleaning and projects, and still depressed, but I'm trying to change my attitude. I'm trying to find something to be thankful about in every situation (like I did with my thankfulness series), and that is helping me get through. Knowing people love me, accept me, and are praying for me helps a lot, too. Thank you <3

Are you struggling right now? If you'd like me to be praying, leave a comment down below or email me at Nothing is too small to ask help with!


  1. Oh gf, I wouldn't worry about trying to fit the "perfect" Christian wife mold. Personally, I think it's a little outdated. Is a woman really expected to greet her husband with a perfectly clean house, dinner on the table, beautifully dressed including hair and makeup?! Who has time for that? I personally think you do an amazing job. Not only do you raise your kids, but you're caring for other peoples' kids too. You make meals, clean, do laundry, come up with fun activities for the kids to do, and all of your children are really smart! You should definitely be proud, because I'm sure God is. I'm proud of you, and hope to be even half the mother/wife that you are.

    I know what you mean about getting depressed during the winter months before Spring finally arrives. I used to get that way too. It helps now that I moved south... the sun is out more than it is in NY and the weather turns nice faster. It may be worth it to spend some time outside, even if you need to get all bundled up; just playing with the kids...doing something fun. I even go stir crazy just being inside for an extended period of time. After working all week, and being at home on the weekends, sometimes I just need to be outside. It doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing, but an hour or two outside and all of a sudden I'm in a better mood and usually much more relaxed. So what if I didn't get that load of laundry done, or get to the grocery store... there is always tomorrow! :-)